Top 10 Ways To Ruin Your Valentines Day
Whether you’re single or in a loving relationship, Valentine’s Day can be an ordeal for everyone. For the footloose and fancy free, it’s a minefield of love hearts and vomit-inducing pink stuff, while for loved-up couples it’s almost impossible to know what to get for your other half. Never fear, because with our cautionary list of ways to ruin your Valentine’s Day, the 14th of February is sure to fly by like cupid on helium. Here are the top ten ways to ruin your Valentine’s Day:
1. Search Tinder for a last minute Valentine’s romance.
As the hottest dating app of the last year, Tinder could be a quick fix for a good Valentine’s Day, right? Wrong. This tactic is littered with pitfalls. There may be some good candidates on there, however you’re bound to get lumped with some unsavoury who says they have a romantic meal set up for the two of you, but actually they live in a basement with 7 cats. Steer clear.
2. Surprise your significant other with a naked gesture.
This sounds super sexy. Turning up on your other half’s doorstep wearing just a trenchcoat and a smile, however, is more difficult than it sounds. For starters, February in the UK is definitely still winter, and with all the gusty wind and flooding we’ve been having, the weather could cause you some problems. There are also travel issues, and if you don’t have a car, you could scare some children on the way to your boyfriend/girlfriend’s place. Finally, and most importantly, if your partner doesn’t live alone, this could all go extremely wrong. Exposing yourself to a parent, housemate or beloved pet could not only scar the onlooker for life, it could terminate your relationship with your partner. Eyes up everyone.
3. Text all your exes with “I love you <3 xxx”, repeatedly until someone replies.
For the lonely and single, it is tempting to look back at past relationships and romanticise them. There was Kenny, your high school sweetheart who had a constant runny nose, even in July, and of course Beatrice from your first student halls, who, although most people said she had a lazy eye, you knew she was just easily distracted. Remember, these relationships ended for a reason, and a blast from the past does not a good Valentine’s Day make.
4. Ask someone on a first date.
No. Don’t do it. Please. Arranging a first date with someone on Valentine’s Day is just asking for it. If the date has been a long time coming, it will look like you’re trying to say something. And that something will be “I LOVE YOU MARRY ME I LOVE YOU.” Which nobody wants on a first date. If it’s a more random arrangement you could freak your date out by selecting the most romantic night of the year to meet them, and put them off even before you’ve had the chance to show them the collage of your ideal wedding.
This one is a classic. Forgetting Valentine’s Day when you’re in a relationship is an absolute no-no. When you walk through the door after a long hard day to find your other half draped in something red and silky, with a candlelit dinner and swathes of gifts, you don’t want to have to tell them you have nothing, squat, zero, nada, in return. The disappointment and/or punishment will not be worth it, so at least get a card to avoid a night in the dog house.
6. Get your single friend a Valentine’s Day card.
You may be well meaning, but this kind of behaviour is not helpful, or conducive to high self-esteem amongst your peers. If you’re in a relationship and your friend is not, do not, under any circumstances, make them feel even worse about the dreaded day with a “Hang In There” sympathy Valentine’s Day card. If they didn’t already hate you for being happy, they will now.
7. Burn your Valentine’s Day meal.
It seems like a fool-proof, romantic plan. You’ve got your menu planned out, filled with fancy things you’ve never really heard of, let alone cooked before. Souffle can’t be as hard as they say, and you’ve bought enough Chateaux-Neuf de blah blah blah to sink a ship, so it doesn’t really matter, right? That’s what you said before you realised what a romance-killer a fire alarm is, and you had to extinguish two rib-eye steaks with a wet tea towel.
8. Buy a really extravagant gift without consulting your significant other.
If you’re going all out on a gift, it’s probably best to let your Valentine know. Imagine the embarrassment and disappointment when you reveal a balloon ride over the English Channel to Paris, strawberries and champagne included, only to receive a hug in return. Be kind to yourself and consult with your partner first over a Valentine’s budget.
9. Buy underwear.
Most women don’t know their own bra size, so buying underwear for your girlfriend is just a disaster waiting to happen. And the Valentine’s selection of novelty boxers for men usually leave a lot to be desired. Unless you want to insult your partner with outsized briefs, or embarrass them with some cartoon pants they’ll have to pretend to like, it could be best to steer clear of the lingerie section.
10. Buy flowers for yourself.
For the singletons among us, it can be difficult to see everyone bounding happily around clutching roses and professing their love for each other mid-February. The way NOT to deal with this, is to pretend you have a Valentine by sending yourself flowers. This will only add to your misery, trust us. Keep your head low, and watch out for nappy-wearing babies in flight wielding bows and arrows.
If you insist on committing any of these fatal errors, hopefully you’ll be able to regain your dignity somehow…Eventually… If you’re loved up, your partner could forgive you, and if you’re single you could rely on friends to stop you embarrassing yourself in any public arenas in the future. However, if at all possible, take our advice and avoid our top 10 ways to ruin Valentine’s Day.